Thought

Bubba dear made some good points yesterday:

Cosine is just a sine wave offset. Is there only one wave? 

AND

Perception/ REaction. Because you need the catalyst or there is no movement. So is there a catalyst of an action?

Plus Lil and he got me a present yesterday, spontaneously, wrapped in gold paper.

And I got to wear my favorite new shirt.

Pretty good time, eh? 

Work

Very briefly, this is what is occupying my mind these days, and tell me where I'm wrong, because it is still unfinished and I would appreciate thoughts.

The story:

I was talking to an old friend this weekend about something completely different, and I pulled out my anatomy textbook, (Principles of Anatomy and Physiology, which I am very proud of because I bought it at the Goodwill for $2) and flipped accidentally open to a page about how neurons work. We got all excited because anatomy is badass, and I had somehow known that neurons worked the way that they do, but I had not remembered the details, one of which is "graded potentials."

Basically, what I interpret this to mean, and again, tell me where I'm wrong, is that electricity (which is the medium in which messages are coded) travels through the body in what is basically a sine wave.

Then the husband of my friend, who is another old friend and was in fact the original friend of the two, pointed out that the reason waves form on the ocean is because of pressure, and that the wave shape is everywhere, which of course I knew, because it shows up in breathwork and hip bumps and soundwaves and all that.

And previous to that another friend over the weekend directed me to consider the concept of simulation theory (which I have just a tiny piece of right now but am looking forward to absorbing more fully.)

And my darling sister-in-law recommended this book, My Stroke of Insight, which is about how a neuroanatomist stroke victim experienced and mostly recovered from her stroke, and which I have been reading for the last week or so. 

And we visited the USS Constitution on Sunday and I was BLOWN AWAY first by how good that old ship smelled and also by how incredibly flexible everything was even though it was this huge seemingly bulky wooden ship. It was all designed to be as effective as possible at doing it's job of disabling but not destroying another ship. Even the masts are mobile! The masts, peeps, the fundamental supports for the whole business.

Ok.

So what I am working on is this:

Pressure.
Shape.
Reflection.
Perception/Action.
Requirement of Up and Down/Balance.
Universality.
Energy=Electricity.
Communication.
Flexibility=Responsiveness. 

Big stuff right? I feel a little like I'm being followed around by a ghost - the thoughts are just behind my left shoulder blade (which is coincidentally where I've been experiencing a lot of tightness in my muscles), but I can't quite put it together yet. I'll keep you posted.

Anniversary

This morning, last year, I woke up empty and bleeding.  Then, because this is the depth of my crazy, I went to work and didn't tell anyone what had happened.  Then, because I am loved, people came and took good care of me, until I developed an infection and ended up in the hospital for 2 days. Then, after all the excitement, I was still empty.

Today was a nice day. We were all together, and I got to nap, and swim in Walden Pond, and eat food prepared for me with love. I couldn't quite figure out why I had such a bad headache, why I was so out of it, why I was having trouble connecting with Lil, for much longer than I would have expected.

But I think that is the way avoidance works, right? 

It is such an unpleasant mechanism, not being present, and being present is such hugely amazing medicine, it is no contest which I prefer. And yet, and yet, and yet. Avoidance is also such a gift, because it is such an excellent shock absorber, which prevents us going totally off the deep end when faced with the hardships of life.

When I realized what day it actually was, and how my physical body was manifesting that, I decided to sit down and very gently pry my metaphysical hands away from my metaphysical eyes and invite the knowledge in. I kept saying, practice this. Practice this. Because in fact, dear one, this is a very small loss. This is a loss of someone you were just beginning to know, who had not yet taken his first breath, who had not come into the world. Big losses, big  big losses, are always around, and the only real way to prepare is to sit in the discomfort and recognize that it will not destroy you, that in fact it is entirely impersonal. Isn't that interesting? How the love is highly personal but the pain has nothing really to do with you?

I am working on absorbing that. And letting go of old patterns, and old expectations, and the "right" way. But also I am full of sadness and disappointment. I am.  And cliche as it may sound, that's ok. I give myself permission for that.   And I am very glad this day will end, and as L.M. Montgomery once wrote, tomorrow will be fresh, and another chance.

New Friend

 

So. Yesterday I went to the Cape to see my family and we ended up in Provincetown, at a tattoo parlor called Mooncusser, which I loved, and I got a new friend.

Let us be clear, I have exactly two tattoos, counting this one. Not to knock those who have many more, but just to make clear that I take my tattoos seriously and am deliberate with them.

I decided on a dragonfly because I recently noticed how many of them have been flying around me and landing on me, and being visible near by, and I recently listened to a talk by Sarah Bamford Seidelman, all about noticing beasties and trying to talk to them, and so I sat down earlier this week and gave it a shot. 

At the risk of sounding super bat shit crazy, I will just say that it was remarkable.

And the message Dragonfly gave me was so reassuring I wanted to remember it always, and so when the opportunity arose, so easily, I got a new friend. 

It is also important to note that the anniversary of losing my boy is coming up this weekend, and that I have been wanting to mark that with a tattoo ever since it happened, and marking it with a creature all about impermanence, and air and water and flight, and freaky beauty, simplicity (because of how slow its wings move), deeper implications and flexibility, well that seemed pretty perfect.

I partly waited so long because I couldn't quite get there. Not everyone in my household approves, and purposefully disappointing those I am most dependent on has never been my strong suit.

One of the things Dragonfly helped me see is that being myself, exactly as I am, is pretty perfect, so when I think I am disappointing someone by being fully present as I am, they are actually disappointing me. 

THEY ARE ACTUALLY DISAPPOINTING ME. 

This is big. Tattoo big. Plus, it's so beautiful. Ron did such a good job. And he was exactly the right person to do it, because at the end he showed me one of his tattoos, which was a portrait of.... wait for it... TOM WAITS. 

The least, my friends, this is the least of the awesome that is out there.

How Butterflies Began

(a retelling)

Once upon a time, before we could speak,  we lived in a land of maybe. Everything was a little bit mixed-in and up, a little soft around the edges, a little hazy and unclear. Never night and day, but always in between. Never sweet nor sour, but always in between. Never love nor hate, but always in between.

And then one day, a terrible accident. One of ours fell, and falling was a new thing, because without up, there was no down, and no place to go for any of us. But in the fall she went quiet, and silent, and this too was new, because without speech there is no silence. And she didn't move, which was unknown, and she didn't breathe, and her heart didn't beat. And he, who was new, since never had there been a she, so never a he had been, cried.

We were all surprised, and turned to each and said, "Why? Why doesn't she breathe? Why doesn't she move? What happened?"

The wisest of us volunteered to explore the matter, and settled down to talk for a long time. But when they stood from their thinking, they were just the same as when they had sat down so long before, so we knew they had not found the secret of the change.

There were, however, some of us. Very small, hardly of any voice, hardly with heads to nod. And while the great ones had been thinking and talking, they had also set out to explore the matter, and sat down, each alone, in silence and stillness.  And when they came back, oh dear ones, they were entirely different. They were  beautiful, and flew high above us on shining wings, to show how they could dance.

We nodded to each other and said "They solved it! They went to the other place and came back improved! It can be done!"

And then we stood, looking at each other, wondering.

Shine Bright Like a Diamond

Right? Right? 

Right.

Oh hey you guys

I was totally mistaken. Being 34 is miraculous.

And thanks to all who made the actual day of transition so miraculous as well. I am loved.