How do you define awesome?

I asked for awesome this week.

Here is what has happened so far (bear in mind it's only Wednesday):

1. Went in for routine prenatal and discovered no heartbeat. Then spent all night cramped up and bleeding.

2. Broke off a tooth while self-soothing with Chinese food.

3. Drove to NH with Lil Bub only to discover my favorite yarn shop there has closed.

Now.

That list is obviously in reverse awesome order, but I would argue that none of it qualifies as awesome.

Still.

It is only Wednesday. And perhaps i did not use the right tool in my request, and awesome was the wrong choice of words, since by traditional and not Bill and Ted definitions, awesome can be a little terrifying.

SO. I wish to clarify:

Please send only traditionally defined as "excellent" experiences my way the rest of the week.

Thank you.

Bright Birds and Snow

It seems this winter that every Sunday is a day of snow.  I know spring is around the corner; I know it must come - it never doesn't, right? But it feels these days like the snow is forever.

Yesterday I did feel a lightening, because in the morning when I awoke I heard the birds outside. We are so lucky to have so many songbirds living and visiting in our yard, despite the cats. Lillie loves them, and we are slowly slowly learning their names as a family.  Cardinals are easy, but I have also been pleased to greet as friends  the sparrows that love our quince bush, the nuthatches, and the  little chickadees. We've even seen some robins about, which are one of our favorites, for obvious Nana-related reasons. The Mass Audubon site is stupendous, and I highly recommend it.

This week I wish for:
1. STABILITY: I wish to feel grounded, to feel safe, to feel all those false things about being in control that aren't real. I wish to believe in them this week. I think.

 Maybe really I want to transcend them. I want to recognize that there is always complete safety, as well as total free fall. This man, Neils Bohr, was no joke. His concept of opposites being complementary is affecting me like Occam's Razor once did. TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS, THINGS WE THINK OF AS MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, CAN BE TRUE AT THE SAME TIME. I put it in caps because I am still practicing assimilating this. I am still recalibrating around this idea, and capital letters are so reassuring.

2. JOY: I would like a little awesome sauce. Something awesome to come down the pike. Or maybe just the ability to notice something awesome.

As for last week, perspective was granted. My sister lost her job, and she was on the verge of hysterical meltdown, and I was able (Phbbbt, phbbbt, phbbbt, knock on wood with gratitude) to NOT absorb the hysteria, but the keep on enjoying life and remembering how fabulous everything actually is, and even to help her remember.  And I had a very scary meeting with a scary person, and I was able to ask for help, and help was granted (thank you thank you Katie-dear) and the meeting was much less scary than expected. AND even though I get nervous, I was able to trust my body to be ok, and I trained jiu-jitsu, the excellence of which I have trouble articulating. So, goodness.

In light of the snow and my developing affection for birds, I leave you with a little e.e. cummings:

                                                    this is the garden: colours come and go,

        frail azures fluttering from night's outer wing

strong silent green serenely lingering,

     absolute lights like baths of golden snow.

He was good, wasn't he? 

Green. Ahh. Green.

                                        

Sunday Again

The snowstorm did come. And it was impressive. And it was surprisingly nice to have a day of nothing/nada/nieste (or as the joke goes, nietzche).  I got to sleep in, such as that is possible in a toddler-house, and we all shoveled as a family, and drank hot chocolate, and took long naps in blankets all cozy and together, so it was good. But also there was not much space, so I did not write an entry.

And it is snowing again this morning, a week later.

I like the quiet.

Which there will not be much more of today, since it is Lillie's birthday party this afternoon. Some of her friends are sick, which means it will be a very small party, but I think a good one nonetheless - dragon-themed and full of purple and gold balloons.  Jason and Lil are making cupcakes as we speak.

As for me, this week I want only one thing:
1. PERSPECTIVE:  I want to keep perspective. It is so tempting to get caught up in drama, in how awful things are, in how full of CRISIS and TRAGEDY the world is. Which is true. But also when the storm comes there is beauty, and there is quiet, and there is always a scale on which usually our very scary monster turns out to be quite manageable.

And as for the list two weeks ago:
Comfort came and went. I think this is a long term goal. A thing I must continue to practice practice practice both giving and receiving. Flexibility I felt. I felt nice and flexible and fluid. I think the increase in exercise helped with that, so NOTE that please.  Abundance of food worked out well, but in a relaxation of boundaries. I have been limiting a lot what I ate. I have been eating a lot of shoulds, and not so much of the wants, and so I decided to pay attention to the abundance around me and if I wanted lemon macaroons then so be it. Lemon macaroons in abundance! NOTE that too.

I just found Cheri Huber's practice blog and I am loving it. She is talking so much about ego and being clear and uncovering and I am so grateful for the thinking I wanted to acknowledge my appreciation for that.

Consider the Lillies..

There is a snowstorm on the way. This feels... ahergh. I am hopeful it will feel magical, as big snows inevitably do, when and if it hits, but meanwhile it is just messing with my plans.

Mary Oliver helps. Because she is so brilliant, and so right. The light is everything....

The Ponds
by Mary Oliver

Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them --

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided --
and that one wears an orange blight --
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away --
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled --
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing --
that the light is everything -- that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.

Satur...hmmmm.

So it is Sunday. And not Saturday, which was the day I had decided I should post my wishes for the week to come.

But part of what I am working on is this idea of "shouldness" and how frustrating (ah, you see? FRUSTRATING again) it is when one makes a plan, even just for oneself, and then it is foiled. And if the overall idea is to not feel frustrated, then maybe one path to that is to NOT DO THINGS THAT LEAD TO A FEELING OF FRUSTRATION. And if one thing that is frustrating for me is foiled plans, maybe one way to avoid that is to NOT make plans. Hmmm.  And perhaps also if I do make a plan, and then it doesn't happen, maybe another path is to LET MYSELF OFF THE HOOK for anything I did that contributed to the plan's failure. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Which is all tied in to what I want for this week:
1. COMFORT: particularly of a physical nature. I want to feel comfortable in my body - like all the parts are running smoothly and in cooperation.
2. FLEXIBILITY:  as in not feeling so grippy about when and how and where things are happening (SEE ABOVE). If things are happening, that is ok, that is enough, that is plenty. And things are always happening, so that's a comfort. (HA. See that? I love words.)
3. ABUNDANCE OF FOOD: I have been having some trouble with this lately. With feeling like it is ok for me to eat when I'm hungry, and that there is food for me to eat that is going to feel good and fueling. So I am going to go to the grocery store, and I am going to buy lots of food, and then I am going to stash it all over the place, so it is always handy and delicious.

And what happened with last week's list?

It was very helpful to think about meeting fears, instead of girding my loins against them. I think it did contribute to the speed at which my horrific temper tantrum on Tuesday night passed over.  Before and during the temper tantrum, however, I definitely started punching LONG before punching was justified. And it was because I am scared.

Warmth. AH, in this I was most definitely blessed. TWO whole days of pretend spring. It was amazing. I am grateful. Thank you.

Not feeling guilty about eating other people's food? This did not manifest so much. Opportunities were limited, which is ok, and just means I should continue to keep my eyes open. And anyway I think this week's want is a more accurate description of what I was feeling last week....

HAPPY SUNDAY, EVERYONE! The little queen bids you Good Week....